SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL

She was just a little girl, but she had to grow up fast. She was just a teenager, but she experienced some things that even adults never get to see in their own lives. She eventually grew older as we all do, but something never changed. Everyone was hoping it would. She got stuck in the past and thought she would never let some of those memories go. How could one let every piece of her life go when she was only 19? Even when she turned 25, she didn’t want to let it go. She wondered what it even meant to let something go. She was only trying to survive.  

That little girl was me.

Let’s go back about 12 years to the first phone call I felt my heart drop. I always thought I would be on the phone with a friend or a stupid boy that I’d fall in love with when this happened, but I was on the phone with my dad. At this time of my life, I was in high school, my parents divorced, I lived with my mom, my room was covered in purple paint, and I was getting ready to crawl into my twin-sized bed. It was weird he was calling so late, but I answered every chance I got. That was my role model. He was my best friend. He was there every step of the way.

It wasn’t a normal phone call. He wasn’t asking me my plans for the weekend, or what I had for dinner. He was explaining to me that he had to have surgery. I really didn’t understand at the time, but I knew it was serious. He eventually told me what it was for, and that’s where my story, my scars… begin. A lot of people say their story begins when something tragic happens in their life, but what I was going through was just my everyday routine. I didn’t know this wasn’t normal. I started talking to God more, and he performed so many miracles on my father. So many different doctors would come up to me saying, “You’re lucky your father is alive.”

Wow – what a hard pill to swallow at the age of 13.

So, it’s surgery time. He’s in pre-operation, getting dressed, and ready to go. My brother and I continued to go to school that day per usual. What we didn’t know was that we would be getting a phone call during my cheer practice and his football practice. Our coaches proceeded to tell us that our mom was coming to get us early, for no reason at all. We were confused, but she wouldn’t tell us anything until she had us in person. Looking back now, you made a good choice, mom.

As we get in the car, we are told that my father did not make it to the surgery as he had a heart attack during pre-op, and he is now on life support. My brother is 14 years old at this time, and I am 13. The moment we got into the ICU, I remember being in that hallway and the nurse looking at us and just saying, “Your father is a raw vegetable. and there’s nothing we can do - he won’t come out of this.” I remember how my dad looked. I still remember it while I am writing my story. Hands cuffed to the bed, tubes down his throat, and machines on his face. I was scared of my own father, the man who raised me. They proceeded to ask my brother, and me, who are under the age of 18, what our decision would be. Meaning, do we want to pull the plug or not? Please keep in mind, that my mom is there, and my father’s dad is still alive along with his siblings, but - Park West Hospital demanded an answer from his kids, and his kids only. Children who are still considered minors. Making decisions on life. Shouldn’t that be illegal?

My brother, with the great faith, strength, and hope, said, “Wait. Don’t do anything. Give him 3 days. That’s all he needs. If he doesn’t wake up by then, let him go.” When he said this, my mind immediately went to the third day, and I was thinking to myself, “What did you just do?” That night, we slept on the hospital floor. I think my mom and I shared a pillow. The phone kept ringing at the receptionist’s desk, I’ll never forget the sound of it. Probably the most annoying sound. I was 13, and so mad that people were calling the ICU unit at 3:00 AM. I kept thinking to myself, “don’t you know we’re closed and sleeping?” I’m not sure if it’s like this at every hospital, but in the ICU at Park West, they offered rentable recliners. Unfortunately, we only got one of them and there were 3 of us - BUT we didn’t leave. We kept praying, and we kept fighting.

The next day, which was day 2, we stayed there all day. My brother was the only one who would go back there and sit in the room at the time. I was terrified. He kept asking me too, and eventually I did a few times - but it was hard. How can a 13 year old girl see her dad like this? The king of her heart, a true daddy’s girl.

On the third day, my dad woke up. He cried. We cried. He apologized to my mom. He apologized to us. And, we continued to fight for 8 more years.

I became my father’s caregiver when the hospital ordered hospice, for the first time. I was fine with that. At the time, I didn’t even know what hospice meant, but I knew a nurse would be coming into our house, and I knew I would do a better job anyway.

During the 8 years we had fighting, there were multiple times my father went back on life support, there were multiple different types of cancer, there were countless nights sleeping on the cold hospital floor outside of his ICU room, there were many nurses who I do not know the names of anymore pushing me out of the hospital. There was one thing for sure, I am a person who does not stop fighting for someone I love. I mean, what do you expect a teenage girl to do? Dads are everything to a little girl.

I lived in survival mode. This was like a nest to me. I was planning to do anything and everything I could to keep my father alive. I knew at this time his death wouldn’t be on my watch. I went to school at the University of Tennessee, came home, took care of him, took care of the house with the help of our housekeeper, and went to work with my dad when he needed help and repeat. It continued.... for years and years. I never focused on myself nor did I ever put myself first, until the night that I lost him.

That was one of the hardest (and still is) one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through as well as overcome. Wednesday, January 25th, 2017 at 9:35 p.m. my life changed forever, and I promised myself I would start focusing on myself, cause if I didn't, who would? But did she keep this promise to herself? Or did she just lose herself even more? You can guess which one.

That’s something the doctors, hospitals, or nurses never prepared me for. They told me everything else I needed to know, or at least I thought they did. At this point in my life, I was 19. Nineteen, still a teenager who had no idea who she would become. I was scared, I was reckless. I came to a point the following summer where I didn’t really care if my life ended or not. I didn’t feel a reason to live anymore. We went out partying, drinking, and smoking, and were open to any drugs that were available at the time. I didn’t care. Why should I when the one person I needed was gone?

The night he passed; nobody was there. Just me. Studying for that biology exam I ended up failing anyway. I hated science with a passion, but I tried so hard to take over my dad’s podiatry practice. Within my hometown, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I spent more time with my dad than I did on campus as a freshman in college. I’d rather be cheering on the VOLS at the house with him, than in the student section with my friends. He was just always my number one priority. After he was gone, nothing felt like home anymore. People and buildings I’ve been around my whole life became so strange to me. It didn’t feel right, none of it did. So, I went to Florida. That’ll make things better, right? Well, so I thought.

My brother was studying Recording Arts at Full Sail University, and he wanted me to come down for the summer. I told myself, "This is only for the summer, I cannot leave Tennessee Football behind me." Well, little did I know I would tour Full Sail University. Since I studied Journalism at UTK, I thought why not? I’m bored here anyway, I don’t have anything to do during the day, and so let’s go to school with my brother. Full Sail was known and is known for recording artists like Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and Michael Jackson. One of my brother’s professors, Leslie, has personally worked with Michael Jackson. I was blown away. As soon as I walked through the doors at Full Sail, something sparked inside of me, and from there I never left. I finally felt like I was home again, and my dreams expanded. 

Keep moving forward, my father always told me.

That’s exactly what I did. I didn’t stop. I kept going. She continued to do this for years. She graduated college with a 4.0 GPA and was the Valedictorian in her class. She wanted her dad to be at the graduation ceremony more than anything or anyone. She knew he wouldn’t be, but she struggled with this. She struggled with it for a long time. She tried to find him everywhere she went, just looking for answers. Will she ever get those answers?

To be continued…